poo

The Smoking Peanut
[originally aired March 8, 2001]
Directors: Paul Tibbitt and Walt Dohrn
Storyboard Director: Carson Kugler
Writers: Paul Tibbitt, Walt Dohrn and Mr. Lawrence
Animation Director: Andrew Overtoom
Creative Director: Derek Drymon

[it's daytime at the Bikini Bottom Zoo]
Narrator: Ah... Bikini Bottom Zoo is having its annual free day. Free balloons... [a man holding a bunch of balloons gives a kid one. Mr. Krabs, disguising himself with a moustache, comes from behind and grabs all the balloons] Free drinks... [a man goes to the drink dispenser and gets himself a glass. Mr. Krabs comes by and fills up a huge barrels worth] Free light bulbs? [Mr. Krabs unscrews a light bulb]
Krabs: Aha! [two policemen walk by and Krabs quickly puts the bulb in his pocket] Top of the mornin', boys! [laughs nervously, than calms down] Next stop: gift shop. [runs into the gift shop. Spongebob and Patrick walk by wearing zoo hats]
Spongebob: There it is: Oyster Stadium. Not only do they have the largest oyster held in captivity, it also does tricks! [in a dramatic voice] He spits a giant pearl 100 feet in the air! Like a cannonball! [he crumbles up his hat into a sphere and puts it in his mouth. Then, he spits it in the air and it lands and replaces some guy's ice cream]
Patrick: What are we hanging around watching a cheap imitation? Let's get over there! [the two run through the stadium's hallway]
Sponge & Pat: This is the greatest day of our lives! [the two enter the stands, only to see that in the arena, the oyster is asleep]
Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring.
Spongebob: You're right, Patrick. We came to see [dramatic voice] pearls 100 feet in the air, [normal voice] Right? I'll try my oyster call. [Spongebob does a strange noise, gibbering and trilling, but he eventually gives up, seeing that the oyster isn't budging]
Patrick: Well, I'm outta here. [walks away] Thanks for nothin', Spongebob.
Spongebob: Come on, come on, wake up already! [thinking, he takes out a bag of sea peanuts. He looks to see if anyone's looking and then throws it at the oyster. The oyster gurgles] I think it's working! [the oyster gurgles some more] Hey Patrick, it's waking up!
Patrick: Oh boy, did I miss it?
Spongebob: No, the show's about to begin... [the oyster than bursts into tears crying. It wails so loud that Sponge and Pat are blown away. Two zoo workers burst out of a door in the arena]
Zoo Worker 1: What's wrong with Clamu? [the two run up to the clam]
Zoo Worker 2: Easy girl, it's me, Joe! Remember? [the clam snarls and uses its tongue to catapult the worker out of the stadium. Cut to Patrick and a guilty Spongebob in the stands]
Patrick: Now this is a show! [cut to outside, where the P.A. goes off]
Announcer: [on P.A.] Attention zoo patrons! Clamu the Giant Oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [the zoo patrons obey and do just that] [calmly] Thanks for coming! [cut to in the stadium where the arena is a wreck and Clamu is still smashing it up. The zoo worker goes up to Sponge and Pat]
Zoo Worker 1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster! [the worker points menacingly at Spongebob] You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?
Spongebob: Uh...
Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, Spongebob?
Spongebob: [hiding the peanut bag behind his back] Right. [Clamu continues to destroy the inner arena. Cut to Pat and Sponge walking out of the zoo]
Patrick: Man, if I see the guy who upset Clamu, I've got a few choice words for him, like "you"... and "are"... and... "a jerk!" [cut to Sponge and Pat walking down the block toward Sponge's house] Are you sure you didn't see anything suspicious?
Spongebob: [angrily] I already said I didn't Patrick! Sheesh! [walks down his front walk]
Patrick: Hey, let's investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who's responsible!
Spongebob: Give it a rest, Patrick! There's no crime to investigate, Patrick! Now go home! [slams the door] Stupid Patrick, I didn't do anything wrong. Ah, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory! [chuckles]
Fish Head: [on TV] Our top story tonight: giant oyster has its feelings hurt! [on the TV, the fish head is reporting live right next to the arena housing a wailing Clamu] The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! And as you can hear, the oyster continues to omit its horrible cry. A cry so powerful, it can be heard around the world! [cut to live action shots of people holding their ears in the desert by pyramids, in windmill plains, and the Taj Mahal. Cut back to the arena on TV] A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, [pan to see a mother and her two kids crying] it breaks the hearts of our citizens! [zoom onto a guilty Spongebob] What kind of cruel, careless, evil person [back on TV, the fish head starts to cry] would deliberately upset one of Neptune's most gentle creatures? [a pirate hand comes in with a cloth and wipes the tear off the fish head's face. The TV shuts off. Gary meows and Spongebob is startled, dropping the remote]
Spongebob: No Gary, how would I know anything about the oyster? [Gary meows] Defensive? I'm not being defensive! Barnacles! What is this, 20 questions or something? [he stares out the window at Oyster Stadium, where Clamu's cries can be heard] This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the oyster cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone's going to hate me! I, I need some advice! Now let's see now, who could never hate me no matter what I do? [cut to Spongebob knocking on Squidward's door] Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
Squidward: Spongebob! Do you have to knock so loudly?
Spongebob: Sorry, neighbor.
Squidward: Oh... that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
Spongebob: [laughs nervously] Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I... uh... was kind of wondering, um... Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
Squidward: You know the guy who did it?! [Spongebob gulps] Oh this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And than I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
Spongebob: Um, actually, I... I'm just talking hypothetically.
Squidward: You mean you don't know who did it?
Spongebob: Well, um, I, uh, no. [the door slams] Squidward? [he walks away, only to encounter Patrick looking through a magnifying glass at the ground wearing a detective hat]
Patrick: Gotcha! [Spongebob screams and jumps out of his pants momentarily] Where were you on the day of today? Don't play games with me, mister?
Spongebob: Hey Patrick, what are you doing?
Patrick: Oh hi, Spongebob. I'm just continuing my investigation of the great Clamu Caper!
Spongebob: Um, have you found out anything?
Patrick: Yes! No wait, um... no. [holds up the items he says] But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, and so does this rock! [stares at a blade of grass in his magnifying glass] And I've got a few questions for this little piece of grass! [Spongebob runs off] Don't worry Spongebob! Patrick's on the case! The truth will be revealed!
Spongebob: I better go see Sandy! She'll know what to do! [cut to Sandy and Spongebob in the treedome, where Clamu's wailing can still be heard]
Sandy: [holding her ears] Oh, I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter! What kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature?
Spongebob: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about, Sandy.
Sandy: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery pokery! [holds up the Bikini Bottom Yellow Pages and rips it in half in front of Spongebob] Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, Spongebob? [Spongebob stutters] Hey Spongebob, how come you're all twitchy like that?
Spongebob: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut! [runs off]
Sandy: Spongebob doesn't have hair... or does he? [Spongebob runs down the block panting. He runs to the house and struggles to open the door. Patrick walks by]
Patrick: Hey Spongebob! [Spongebob is startled and he falls to the ground as just a sponge with a shirt and tie. His eyes, nose, mouth, arms and legs all fall back in odd positions] This is it! All the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! [holds them up] Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, [close-up on Patrick's mouth next to Spongebob's head] I can almost taste it! [licks Spongebob. It turns out that he's actually licking an ice cream pop that has the same shape and texture as Spongebob] Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!
Spongebob: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later! [shuts the door, cut to inside the house]
Man: [off-screen] Open up! This is the police! [Spongebob's eyes pop out of his head]
Spongebob: Um, just a minute! [two policemen barge in and one flashes his I.D.]
Policeman: Are you Spongebob Squarepants?
Spongebob: Y-y-yes.
Policeman: Put those eyeballs back in your head, son! We've got a few seconds for you. [Spongebob twists his eyes around until they're positioned all right] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
Spongebob: [stammering] Yes! [his head sinks lower into his pants]
Policeman: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
Spongebob: Yes... [his head sinks even lower]
Policeman: And are you familiar with this peanut? [holds up the peanut, poly-bagged and labeled, "Exhibit A"]
Spongebob: Yes! [his head now sinks so low, his bottom of his pants rip and his body now sinks to the floor in his underwear. Only his eyes stick out from above his pants]
Policeman: Just one more question... Is it true that you at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
Spongebob: [crying] Yes! Yes! It's true! It's all true! The merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Policeman: That's all we need to know, son. Let's book him! [cut to Patrick getting handcuffed]
Patrick: Wow, you guys are good. I'm the last person I would have suspected but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
Policeman: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, pinky! [the two policemen and Patrick walk out]
Spongebob: Oh no! Patrick's too sensitive for the big house! [the police car drives toward the zoo, Spongebob runs after it] Wait! Stop! I'm the one you want! I am the criminal! [cut to Oyster Stadium where a crowd is yelling and booing. Accompanied with a shivering Clamu is a chained up Patrick. The crowd boos him]
Fish: Hey everybody, let's throw peanuts at him and see how he likes it! [the crowd comprehends and starts throwing]
Patrick: I get what I deserve! [eats the peanuts on the fly] Ouch. [the crowd boos some more. Spongebob bursts through the door]
Spongebob: Wait! Hold your peanuts! Patrick Star is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness... [Patrick starts humming a dramatic tune] I'm here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I...
Fish: Eh! Just get on with it!
Spongebob: I was the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done is wrong. So I say, I am sorry, giant performing oyster. I am sorry, Patrick. I am sorry, citizens of Bikini Bottom. [Patrick stops humming]
Fish: Hey! Let's throw peanuts at both of them! [the crowd yells, but the zoo worker stops them]
Zoo Worker : Wait! Here's the real criminal! [pulls in Mr. Krabs with his moustache]
Krabs: Uh, top of the mornin'! [his fake moustache falls off]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! [the crowd gasps]
Patrick: I knew it!
Zoo Worker: Mr. Krabs stole a very important item from the oyster. Behold! [he rips off his pants. The crowd recoils in utter disgust] Wait a minute, [puts pants back and holds up the real item] Behold! The oyster's pearl! [the crowd gasps in awe] Here you go girl. [places the pearl by the oyster. The oyster sniffs it and the crowd cheers. Just then, the pearl starts to crack and the crowd gasps. The pearl was actually an egg, housing a little oyster]
Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama!
Spongebob: Mother of pearl! That oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama! [Clamu gurgles in reply. The baby oyster jumps on top of its mother and they both gurgle happily. A tiny heart floats on top of them]
Crowd: Awww... [they all look angrily at Mr. Krabs]
Krabs: But it's free day! [the crowd throws a mountain of peanuts at Krabs]
END

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